How to Survive a Heartbreak

Don’t worry, readers-mine, it’s a mini heartbreak. Sort of. Not really. But it’s not the great, wallowing, my-life-is-over kind, fear not. It’s more the type of heartbreak that happens when you, I don’t know, spend a half an hour slow dancing with a girl you’ve had a huge crush on since first semester and she tells you that you look pretty and it’s like this weird more-than-friends-but-not-dating thing you’ve had going for months is finally going to sort itself out when a week later she tells you she has to sort out her own emotional things and that a relationship wouldn’t be fair to you so you’re just friends now. Not that that happened to me, or anything. Maybe.

I don’t really have an emergency kit for this situation (even though I should) so really I’m coping off the top of my head. Here are some of the ways I’m handling it:

1. Lie in bed having a Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathon while eating chocolate chips (in lieu of actual chocolate) that you took illicitly from a cupboard in the kitchen.

2. Find ways to be home alone and once you are sing your heart out to sad songs and then angry songs and then breakup songs and then “Let It Go” from Frozen because for some reason it makes you feel empowered and less sucky.

3. Put on lipstick, try on your outfit for Pride, and then tell yourself that there’ll be tons of queer girls your age at Pride and you look mighty fine and you’ll get someone’s number and then you’ll totally hang out and that’ll show your former non-girlfriend how you’ve moved on…

4. Sit on the floor tapping your foot impatiently, waiting until everyone is gone and you have the house to yourself, not even because you want to sing so badly but because right now you need to be as far away as you can get from civilization (even though your next-door neighbors are outside all day long working on a noisy construction project).

5. Get very frustrated with those neighbors for absolutely no reason and scream into your pillow.

6. Maybe it’s because they’re gay and together and happy and you are gay and not together and sad…

7. Spend a solid hour at the library checking through every book you find for promises of queer girl characters and be disappointed that there are none. (I think this is partially why Malinda Lo has become one of my favorite authors–she has characters that are diverse in race and sexuality and it’s not like those books where they throw in a particular character just for the sake of diversity, and they’re well written. I hate it when books try to do diversity and the characters are cardboard cut-outs. Plus I mean Adaptation if you haven’t read it yet you need to.)

8. Go off on tangents about Malinda Lo.

9. Obsessively work on your art because that seems to be the only thing keeping you sane these days.

10. Do your art while watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer, at this point only partially because it’s a black hole of obsession that you can’t hope to escape, and mostly because Willow and Tara are adorable and also you need lesbians on TV right now but you have no way of watching Orange is the New Black. And also you’re not allowed to.

11. Eat homemade ice cream while watching Sherlock with your family and then finish off your brother’s serving too.

12. Watch an Irish advertisement against the bullying of LGBTQ+ teens and feel your eyes actually getting misty by the end. Then actually cry at that Always “Like a Girl” advertisement.

13. Get a sinking feeling in your stomach when you realize that you only have two seasons left of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and that sooner or later you’re be finished, and at the rate you’re going it’s looking to be far sooner than later.

14. Spend several hours learning to play “Impossible” on the guitar because it describes your life (in your head, of course, in actuality the tornado you’re feeling is a gust of wind) and also because the chords are easy, yay.

15. And then, for good measure, play “Clever Meals” by Tegan and Sara, which is even easier, and daydream about performing it at the open mic next week even though you have the guitar skills of a one-handed chicken. Or one-taloned. Or something.

16. Develop a crush on Hannah Hart

17. Realize that all the cute girls your age at Pride have cute girlfriends.

18. Bemoan the lack of desserts in your household a bit too harshly, causing your parents to ask troublesome questions.

19. Write a blog post about it, go camping for a week, come back and realize you haven’t finished the blog post and have all of the unpleasant feelings dredged up again.

20. Text The Girl In Question asking if she’s busy this week.

21. Even though you’re still not sure if you’re ready to see her again yet.

22. But also you sort of want to and it’s her birthday and you want to get her a book and also you want to show her that you’re totally fine with the just friends thing, really.

23. Avoid the novel you’re supposed to be writing.

24. Spend hours cut off from all humanity doing nothing but writing that novel.

25. Think that really, you should be a mature and responsible adult by this point. But you’re still having all the feelings and want chocolate.

22 Ways to Ask Someone to Dance With You

The end of year dance is coming up in two weeks today, and that may seem like a long time but I’m already stressing. I’m going with a girl I can barely form coherent sentences around, much less ask to dance. I have the bad habit of being either awkwardly silent or babbling incessantly in her presence, but I don’t want to do that. I want to look cool. So here are 22 cool ways to ask a girl–or anyone–to dance with you:

1. Walk over to her. Look at the ground in a cute, abashed way, and run your palm through your hair backwards, intentionally messing up your hair. According to my Sources this is a primary queer girl flirtation ritual. (My Sources being the LGBTQ+ blogs I read and my real-life nonstraight friends who do this constantly.) I have tried doing this with my hair but it doesn’t quite work because it’s too long. After this, look up and say sheepishly, “So…I was wondering…would you like to dance with me?” You look cute and irresistible and it probably won’t be hard pulling off the embarrassed part.

2. Grin at her, hold out a hand, and say, “I don’t really know how to dance, but wanna give it a shot?”

3. Optionally, do the same thing as in #2, only say, “I’ve been practicing my moves for weeks. Care to help me test them out?”

4. Or you could get even cheesier with “Come and get your groove on with me, baby!”

5. Or you could say “Screw this I know how to dance” and grab her hand and pull her onto the floor with you.

6. Casually drop not-so-subtle hints during conversation to get her to do the asking. “I really like this song. It’s good music to dance to.” “So I learned how to waltz the other day.” “Yeah, I was trying to practice slow dancing in contemporary women playwrights yesterday, but it wasn’t really the same without a partner *wink wink nudge nudge*”

7. Write her a song, ask if you can perform it, go up there and own it, and then afterwards when the crowd is going wild over your musical genius, sweep over to her and say “Dance with me?” in a cute, flirtatious way.

8. Or just, you know, ask her flirtatiously to dance. I’d provide an example but my knowledge of the subject is limited to Captain Jack Harkness and I don’t think I can really pull off the same charismatic appeal.

9. Write DANCE WITH ME? on the front steps with sidewalk chalk.(Because of that one time, when she was like “Do you have sidewalk chalk?” and you were like “Yeah I have sidewalk chalk!” only you couldn’t find it and were so upset you resorted to overusage of the word “like.”)

10. Look her squarely in the eye and ask her if she would like to dance with you. (But come on, who does this? Eye contact? Pfff…)

11. “Hypothetically speaking, if someone in your immediate presence were to ask you to dance with them, would you, hypothetically, say yes?”

12. Go up to her and twirl her around, then when she’s laughing pull her out onto the dance floor. Works best for faster songs.

13. You know you’re going to be awkward with her. I mean, come on, you’ve stared at the moon together, alone on a balcony on a rainy night, but never even so much as hugged because you’re too afraid. So own your awkwardness. Stutter. Blush. Stare at the ground. Trust me, it’s cute. As long as you get across the general impression of “Would you like to dance with me?” you’re good to go.

14. Start quoting song lyrics at her. “We spun around a thousand stars / I dreamed a dance with you / I know the night is dying, dear / I know the day will dawn / the dancers may disappear / still the dance goes on.”
…Maybe those exact lyrics don’t really work, but I never pass up an opportunity to quote Next to Normal.

15. Optionally, quote poetry at her. As my Shakespeare teacher once told me (and as they say in Dead Poets Society), poetry was invented to woo the girl of your affections. And also possibly to lyrically state universal truths and metaphysical concepts while working for social change. Possibly. But also for wooing. I know poetry by no means makes everyone swoon, but I can assure you that if a girl were to quote some Emily Dickinson or T.S. Elliot at me I would probably faint conveniently into her arms. I have many many favorite poems, but right now I adore “To a Stranger” by Walt Whitman and “somewhere i have never traveled,gladly beyond” by e.e. cummings. My favorite lines from that last one are “i do not know what it is about you that closes / and opens,only something in me understands / the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses / nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands”

16. You could get even more specific with that and take a leaf from the Bard. “If I profane with my unworthiest hand / This holy shrine, the gentle sin is this:/ My lips, two blushing pilgrims ready stand / To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.” (Romeo, you flirtatious person you.)

17. Draw her a picture explaining your proposition.

18. Just become Daenerys Targaryen (circa the beginning of book 3, since I’ve not read farther and who knows where her character arch could end up).

19. Get your friend to do it.

20. …just kidding, don’t do that or you’ll look like an idiot. Get your house elf to do it for you, since no one can resist adorable fictional creatures and also they have magic. Just be sure to pay them in socks.

21. Frost it onto partially-burnt loaves of bread and toss them to her unsuspiciously.

22. Find the Doctor, hop into the TARDIS, and pop off and have some adventures, which will make you courageous and bold. Then time travel to the dance, ask her while you still have the confidence, and then when you go back to your own time to wait for the dance, once it happens you’ll have already asked her and there will be nothing to worry about. (Don’t ask me how my logic works on this. I’m not even sure myself. Wibbley-wobbley timey-wimey.)

Okay, if I even had the courage to try any of the slightly more reasonable ideas from my list, I couldn’t pull it off. I have resigned myself to awkwardly sitting at a table in the corner and making puppy eyes at the back of her head. I’m sure she’ll be thrilled. Any additions to the list you may have (silly or otherwise) greatly appreciated. Genuine advice even more greatly appreciated.

14 Reasons to Always Carry a Hardcover Book

1. Books can be very handy while standing in a long line–whether you use them to while away the time or whack the people in front of you out of the way.
2. Similarly, books provide instant entertainment in any situation in which you have to wait.
3. Don’t feel like talking to people? Read a book.
4. A hardcover book will provide the perfect disguise for any ordinary burglar, spy, or detective: simply sit in a public area and peer at people non-suspiciously over the top of the pages.
5. Having a book makes you look innocent. Veeeery innocent. No officer, I did not rob that bank across the street, I was just siting on this park bench here reading my book.
6. If you are going somewhere and you need to look important, bring a thick book with a title like “Inconclusive Enigmas of the Pestilential Proprietors” and be seen reading it. People will assume you are dedicated, studious, and intelligent.
7. Contrary to #3, if you have to talk to someone but don’t know what to say, just talk about the book you’re reading.
8. Depending on how you present yourself, carrying a book can either make you friends or make everyone leave you alone, whichever is more to your tastes.
9. You can learn so much from books. Education, people.
10. The book is mine. My own. My precious.
11. Worried about self-defense? Carry with you the thickest hardcover book you own at all times, and you can hit someone over the head with it if needed. NOTE: This only applies in situations where someone else instigates the aggression.
12. They make very comfortable pillows! …sort of.
13. If you don’t want to be seen by someone, a book is a great thing to hide behind. Their gazes will pass right over you.
14. You’ll never be without a friend if you have a book by your side.

The Libester Award

liebster-award

Super creative title, I know. I owe the honor of receiving this award with many thanks to The Impossible Girl, and no, I don’t mean Clara Oswald. (Who I don’t really know anything about because season 7 part 2 isn’t free on Amazon Prime yet. *glowers*) Anyway, you should go look at her blog because I am sure it is much more deserving of an award than mine.

And now for ze rules:
1. Post the Libester Award Graphic on your site
2. Thank the person who nominated you
3. The nominee has to write 11 facts about themselves
4. Answer the 11 questions from the post of the person who nominated you
5. Nominate 9 4 other blogs for the award
6. The nominee will create 11 questions of their own for their nominated bloggers to answer

Right then. Let’s get started.

Stuff About Artgirl I’m Sure You Really Wanted to Know

1. I’m always rotten at coming up with interesting facts about myself.
2. Usually the only romance in fiction I approve of is the kind where one of the characters dies at the end. (Actually, I plan on writing a post explaining why.)
3. One of my new dream roles as an actress is to play a companion on Doctor Who, but this will never happen because of my American accent.
4. Another dream of mine is to have one of my favorite authors say they love my books (because I will be published. I will.)
5. On weekends and school breaks I’m likely to spend entire days in my pajamas.
6. I have always really wanted a nickname.
7. I love to study smiles, and I can always tell when one is fake.
8. When I was younger I thought it would be really fun to be an olympic figure skater because I’d get to wear a fancy costume and have people throw flowers at me.
9. I’m a child at heart and refuse to accept that places like Narnia, Hogwarts, and Middle Earth don’t exist.
10. I stayed up past midnight when the seventh Harry Potter book came out to buy a copy right when it was released with my mom, who’d sewn us both wizard hats.
11. I have always wanted to try the fictional dishes that my favorite characters enjoy (shrimp in cream sauce, fish fingers and custard, sweets from Honeydukes, etc.)

Questions from the person who nominated me:

1.If you could be part of any story (a book or movie or TV show), which story would you chose?
This is a really, really difficult choice. The thing is, much as I love my favorite fictional realms, they’re so dangerous and I’d never survive. But, that aside, it’s really hard to choose just one. I think I’d travel through time and space with the Doctor, and along the way we could visit places like Hogwarts and Middle Earth.
2.Tea or coffee?
Hot chocolate.
3.Which fictional character bares the most resemblance to you (either in physical appearance, in character or both)?
This is a tough one. I’m not really like any fictional characters, since they’re nearly always brave, and I know I’m a coward. I’m very bookish like Hermione Granger, sort of average (in a good way) like Rory Williams, and I look a bit like Prim.
4.Summer or winter?
Both! I love summer because I have some free time and it’s my birthday, and I love winter because of hats and socks and snow and fuzzy blankets and cocoa.
5.Would you rather watch exclusively TV shows or movies for the rest of your life?
Nooooooo don’t make me choose! I am probably the most indecisive person on the planet (there’s another fun fact) and could never decide.
6.If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Well, aside from places that don’t actually exist, I’ve always wanted to visit Italy.
7.Gummy bears or chocolate?
Chocolate. Most definitely.
8.What’s the first movie you really remember? And why was it so memorable?
I think my fist movie was about Piglet, but the first movie I really remember seeing was Star Wars: A New Hope. I was probably six or seven, and my best friend and neighbor invited my dad and I to go over to her house and watch it. I managed to stay awake through the entire thing, and I think I enjoyed it. One thing I really remember was that my friend’s dog was in the corner the whole time, and I couldn’t tell his breathing apart from Darth Vader’s.
9.Which song could you listen to on repeat for hours?
Anything by Murray Gold. He is a brilliant composer and makes me want to listen to nothing but the Doctor Who score.
10.Comedy or Horror?
Definitely comedy. I’ve never seen a horror movie in my life, and don’t intend to.
11.Which Big Bang Theory character are you?
I don’t watch the show, so I really wouldn’t know.

My Nominees:

Nevillegirl at http://musingsfromnevillesnavel.wordpress.com
Miriam Joy at http://miriamjoywrites.com
Fishy at http://themagicfishy.wordpress.com
Orphu44 at http://amirrormadeofwords.wordpress.com

I apologize for not nominating nine like I was supposed to; I’m still working on my goal of reading more blogs.

Questions For My Nominees:

1. Pizza or pancakes?
2. What is your favorite word?
3. What was your favorite book as a child and why?
4. Would you rather be able to fly two feet off the ground, turn invisible (but only when no one’s looking), or make it rain squirrels?
5. What is your opinion on the word “weird”? Is it a compliment? And endearment? Would you use it to describe yourself? Would you use it to describe me?
6. If you could go on an adventure with one fictional character, who would it be and why?
7. Have you ever found yourself completely caught up in a fictional world with no chance of escape? What world? Did it result in any near-disasters?
8. What is your second favorite color?
9. Would you rather own a horse-sized goat or a combination dinosaur/platypus?
10. What is your opinion on the moon?
11. Which is better for building forts: an unlimited supply of cardboard boxes or blankets, pillows, and several chairs?

As the Tenth Doctor would say: I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.
But actually, I made the questions unusual on purpose, because it’s always fun to read the answers to strange questions. I hope you like them, and I hope you have a very lovely day.

27 Ways to Tell Your Parents You Don’t Like Stir Fry

I do like stir fry, by the way. I am posting this in honor of the great Bean of YWP NaNoWrimo, a.k.a. Topazly, a.k.a. lot’s of other nicknames I can’t currently remember. Anyway, here’s a list of both unrealistic and semi-realistic ideas:

1. Write a poem about it.
2. Embroider the words “Mum, I don’t like stir fry” onto a towel
3. Write it on a T-Shirt
4. Compose a song about it
5. Casually bring it up in conversation.
6. Write a 95 thesis containing all of the reasons you don’t like stir fry and nail it to your kitchen doorway.
7. Slip a note about it under someone’s pillow
8. Slip an angry note about it under someone’s pillow
9. Rent a boat, pillage your house of all necessary stir fry ingredients, and dump everything overboard in the dead of night (preferably while in Boston)
10. Frost “I Don’t Like Stir Fry” onto a cake (the cake is a lie)
11. Feed it to a tribble.
12. Feed it to a hungry dwarf smuggled secretly under the table.
13. Hold a respectful and diplomatic family meeting concerning your reasons for disliking stir fry.
14. Cast the stir fry into the fires of Mount Doom
15. Paint a HUGE banner about it and hang it at the top of a tall building.
16. Make your brother do it
17. Write a note in lemon juice explaining your feelings along with instructions to hold the note up to a candle
18. Make up a dance routine. Your parents will be so awed by your amazing skills that they won’t care if you like stir fry or not.
19. Create a national “I Don’t Like Stir Fry Day”
20. Change your name to “I Don’t Like Stir Fry”
21. Write a novel about it
22. Or, when writing an author biography for a novel, surreptitiously slip in a mention of your dislike for stir fry
23. Create a superhero called “The Stir Fry Annihilator” and make a costume, imagine powers, and write a themesong. Then, present your superhero to your family.
24. Pretend to be Spock and list all the reasons why it is logical to dislike stir fry.
25. Pretend to be Darth Vader and cut the stir fry down with your almighty lightsaber
26. Tell your parents you are the captain of an airship and will not tolerate such nonsense as stir fry.
27. Post about it on your blog